Oh, Myspace.

Everyday

I used to have a Myspace — like every millennial in the early 2000s. It took me a while to jump on the Myspace bandwagon because I was a prepubescent hipster and didn’t want to abandon my Xanga for some “fad.” But I eventually did. One of the things that I most remember about Myspace, other than the fight-inducing “Top Friends” feature, was the ever-present and often “TMI” Myspace survey. To pay homage to a long forgotten past and to relive a bit of nostalgia, I have included a Myspace survey below (answers are current, though questions are not).

Survey Retrieved from MyspaceBulletins.Com (because it still exists).

What is your favorite Kool-Aid flavor?
Red. Yes, it’s a flavor. Shut up.

Do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse?
Yes. It’s connected to my fancy MacBook Pro in my office cubicle.

Last sporting event you watched on tv or in person?
The Cowboys game on Thanksgiving.

Who makes the best fudge?
My Nana, Helen Gatewood-Kenny.

Do you like it when toothpaste bubbles in your mouth?
Toothpaste bubbles? Thankfully I’ve never had to experience this horror. Am I using it correctly?

Do you believe that the world is gonna end at 2012?
Yes. I actually don’t exist right now. I’m typing from a computer that I implanted my psyche into.

How many songs are on your iPod or MP3 Player?
I have one iPod nano dedicated to my 900 Broadway Show Tunes.

Can you swear inside your house?
I’m 23. I can swear anywhere I want.

Have you ever had a pet goldfish?
No. But I recently lost my pet Betta fish, Hamlet. He was almost two years old. He probably died because I didn’t feed him while I was out of town. Or because the food I was feeding him was also two-years old.

When did you last eat waffles?
Um… 4 years ago? Someone get me a waffle.

What is the most overrated thing in your opinion?
Twerking. And Aeropostale.

What color is your bed comforter?
It’s a floral print – dark pink, light pink, green, yellow, and cream.

Does being in love make you gain weight?
This question makes me uncomfortable. And hungry,

Dumbest person you know? and why?
I don’t associate with dumb people. Kidding. But really.

Do your parents have home videos of you as a kid?
Yes. Several DVDs worth. It’s like I’m famous or something.

How old is your oldest cousin?
23.

If you HAD to get a tattoo, where and what would it be?
I would get a freckle tattooed on my freckle.

Do you think Obama has tried drugs?
I know he’s tried drugs. I read his autobiography.

What color is your bra or boxers?
Nude. This question also makes me uncomfortable.

What is your favorite radio station?
KLTY in Dallas, the station for 60s, 70s, and 80s music. Houston seems to think it doesn’t need an oldies station, which is mega lame.

What brand is your refrigerator?
Old.

How many people do you know that are pregnant?
Too many.

Do you have a picture with your middle finger up?
Yes. Accompanied by my other four fingers.

What is the best thing to happen to you this year so far?
I met someone special.

Do you read a newspaper daily?
Does Twitter count?

Anything you’re really afraid of?
Failure. Abandonment. And disappointing people.

Do you like your peanut butter crunchy or creamy?
Creamy. Though I can do both.

What is the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?
Gravity. No lie.

Have you ever ridden a skateboard?
If “fallen off a skateboard” counts as riding one.

Do you drink enough water on a daily basis?
Probably not. But I pee enough to make me think I do.

Would you burn the American flag for a million dollars?
No. Because I wouldn’t go to prison if you paid me a million dollars.

The main thing you can’t leave your house without?
My iPhone.

When was the last time you read a book?
I’m currently on track to read one book a month for all of 2013.

Where did you get that shirt you’re wearing?
Hand-me-down from my Step Mom.

Do you play pranks on April Fools Day?
My mom’s birthday is April Fools Day. So yes. Obviously.

 

Let’s all go to Candyland.

Advertising, Everyday, Rant

Today at work I played a game of Candyland. Yes, that’s how cool my job is. My fellow creatives and I needed a mental break and whipped out this cardboard classic and let loose–well, as much as you can with such a simple game. I mean, have you made a trip down the rainbow pathway to the Candy Castle recently? It could be the most foolproof game in history; I’m almost ashamed to have once found it entertaining. Our game took a total of two minutes. Two minutes is all it took for my friend to make it from the Peppermint Forest, past the Gumdrop Mountains, through the Molasses Swamp, and into the gates of the Candy Castle. The game itself relies on neither skill nor luck–not even chance. I think even an amoeba could play it and win.

Aside from it’s simplicity, there was something else I noticed that disturbed me: they changed the game. The mysterious “they” of course refers to the brains over at Milton Bradley whose sole jobs are to mess with my childhood. To give you a glimpse into the game’s importance to me let me explain that my sister and I used to play Candyland in real life. Basically, we’d pick characters and reenact them in classic toddler role-playing fashion. So these small “changes” completely reject the cornerstones of my childhood fantasy world.

Firstly, Princess Lollipop is no longer Princess Lollipop. She is merely, Lolly. This is a travesty of the highest kind because she was my favorite and I always insisted on playing her. At first, I guessed that perhaps Milton Bradley was trying to make her more “hip” like when they made Dora the Explorer a teenager and gave her long hair and sparkle pumps. But then I realized that poor Lolly wasn’t getting a promotion on the social ladder, her title was actually stripped from her by Queen Frostine who, in attempt to stay young, is now called “Princess Frostine”. On a side note, does that mean she and King Kandy got a divorce? I’d like to play that board game…

Secondly, they removed perhaps one of my favorite–and the cutest–of all the Candyland characters: Jolly. He was plump and purple and utterly ridiculous, but who can argue with that adorable face and those crazy eyes? What did he ever do to deserve a complete removal from the game? The characters don’t even do anything and are purely decorative. This makes no sense, Milton.

Yes, this game is purely a device to teach children color-recognition, but part of me still feels gypped. One of my fellow players couldn’t have said it better, “I won and I’m still mad.”

I encourage everyone to explore the Candyland Wikipedia page to experience more frustration. Click here for that.

By the way, the rights for a Candyland movie have been sold and Adam Sandler is the man behind it. Is this news sweet or sour? You decide. Other than the fact that the game provides next to no starting material for a plot, my only question is what role will Sandler play? Maybe they’ll bring back Jolly…