Things I Want to Invent #2

Inventions

“Grow A Pair”

This invention of mine isn’t the solution to a common problem, but more of a brilliant (if I may say so myself) gag gift or party favor idea.

The Set-Up

I have often seen the ever popular “Grow A Boyfriend” tchotchke at stores like Whole Earth Provision and Spencer’s Gifts (I know we all often walk around these stores aimlessly looking for anti-boredom material. Am I right? Maybe not…). Anyway, for those who don’t know what “Grow A Boyfriend” is, it is a tiny man-shaped sponge trinket that expands when you put it in water. Thus, you can provide your desperate gal pal or lonely neighborhood cat lady with their very own significant other with merely a glass of H2O. This gag gift idea has been expanded to numerous other products including the “Grow a Girlfriend” and “Grow a Therapist”,

which got me thinking…

The Invention

We’ve all had a friend (or possibly an enemy) who needed to get over their anxiety, fear, or pride so badly that we often shouted at them (or imagined doing so) the phrase, “why don’t you just grow a pair!” Well, what if they could?

[Prepare for an assortment of euphemisms.]

Imagine gleefully providing said friend with a tiny man-part-shaped sponge that, after being soaked in water for an hour or so, actually grew. That way instead of demanding your coward best-friend or the local agoraphobe to grow their own male genitalia, you could literally give them some to grow. Will it help them overcome their issues and become better people? Will it make the world a better place? Probably not. But it would be an awesome gift to bring to a game of Dirty Santa.

Interested in investing? Just let me know if you figure out a way to make shrunken bollocks not be completely gross looking.

Me Against The World

Rant

THE WORLD:
If I haven’t found The One, I’m not trying hard enough.
If I don’t have a boyfriend, I’m running out of time.
If I’m not interested in a guy, I must not be interested in guys.
If I’ve never been on a date, my standards are too high.
If no one asks me out, I’m not putting myself out there.
If I like being single, I must be antisocial.
If I’ve never been in love, I must be heartless.
If I’m not looking, I must be crazy.

MY WORLD:
If I’m not looking, it’s because I want to be pursued.
If I’ve never been in love, it’s because I know what true love is.
If I like being single, it’s because I know I don’t need a man to be happy.
If no one asks me out, it’s because God is protecting my heart.
If I’m not interested in a guy, it’s because I’m waiting for a man of God.
If I have high standards, it’s because they are God’s standards.
If I don’t have a boyfriend, it’s because God has something better planned.
If I haven’t found The One, it’s because He’s not of this world.