Lists

Bulk up.

Lists

I like to think I’m a generous person, but the honest truth is that I’m a cheapskate. From couponing for my wedding to having a strict resale-only wardrobe, I’m THAT person who is always looking for a way to get something for a lower price – quality be darned. Thus, buying in bulk has become my thing. But recently I have become frustrated by the fact that there are some things in life that just aren’t cheaper when you get them in large quantities. And that’s just plain wrong. To address this grave disservice to the human race, I will revive my ever-entertaining “lists” with this…

Things That Should Be Cheaper in Bulk But Aren’t

1. Stamps – Snail mail may seem something of the past, but my mailman knows better. Aside from spam mail and the obscure magazine subscriptions of my apartment’s former tenant, I enjoy it. It’s nice to get a physical letter at your door instead of a digital file in your inbox. Recently, I’ve wanted to up my letter-writing game to spread the joy around, but MAN. Stamps be expensive. Why is there no discount for bulk stamps?

2. Prescription Medication – No. I’m not a junky. But I grew up with chronic strep throat and year-round allergies, and my poor parents had to buy me loads of pills to make sure I could run around the playground with the other kids. What if they could have bought a load of penicillin for the pantry? That way hayfever season could come for a fraction of the cost of going to the doctor once a year.

3. Gasoline – I’ll make this brief because I know you get it. Let’s just say that if I could get a discount at the pump if I filled up some spare gas cans, I’d do it.

4. Babies – I’m a twin, so I have been made very much aware of how much children cost families. The little bundles of joy can get expensive depending on your preference for diapers and whether or not you want your child to look like a mini J Crew model. While most of the cost just comes with the territory of family expansion, my heart goes out to the families of multiples. But let’s start small…I propose the “have two-or-more-babies-at-once-get-one-hospital-stay-free” rule.

5. Textbooks – Although I’ve been out of school for three years, I’m still feeling the pain of being a student – specifically in my bank account. One of the more frustrating costs of college is the always fluctuating price of textbooks. Semester to semester my classes could cost me anywhere from $400-$800 for textbooks (and I was just a liberal arts major). Why punish students for buying the proper material? Instead, I say the more textbooks you buy for school, the cheaper they should be.

6. Starbucks – Obviously, I saved the most important for last. This one goes out to all the interns and sub-level employees who offer to get their teammates coffee. Let’s say you get one drink free for every six you buy for your coworkers. Oh, and the free one is for you.

What about you? What do you think should be cheaper in bulk?

12 Books A Year

Lists

2013 marked the first year I indulged in New Year’s resolutions. One of my resolutions included the challenge to read (at least) one book a month. Though I’m an avid reader, this proved harder than I thought. But, two days ago, I finished my last book of 2013.

Books Read in 2013

1. The Hobbit by J.R. Tolkien

This was my first foray into the written world of Tolkien. I undoubtedly think Tolkien is a literary master and fantastic storyteller; however, I lost interest in the story once I realized that Bilbo lives because he needs to be in the first three movies.

2. The Giver by Lois Lowry

Believe it or not, I had never read this classic. My being homeschooled in junior high seems to have deprived me of this little gem. I read this book in three days. A beautiful story which argues that pain is worth remembering.

3. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon

I received this as a birthday gift and I couldn’t put it down. This book tells the story of a boy with Asperger’s Syndrome who investigates the death of his neighbor’s dog. Through his journey, we learn of his troubled family and his unique perspective of the world.

4. As Sure As the Dawn (Mark of the Lion #3) by Francine Rivers

This is the final installment of a trilogy my sister got me into. I typically stay far, far away from Christian fiction, but this series caught me. It’s a must read for Christian females who love historical fiction or romance or seeing God work through people.

5. Ender’s Shadow by Orson Scott-Card

Ender’s Game is probably my second favorite book of all time, behind Orwell’s 1984. Ender’s Shadow is a companion novel and follows the exact time frame as Ender’s Game except through Bean’s perspective. It’s just as good as Ender’s Game, providing an outside view of the boy who could save us all.

6. Crazy Love by Francis Chan

I read this as part of my small group. It’s a pretty popular choice in the Christian world, with some controversy, of course. It speaks to how we should love like Christ loves, which should make us look crazy to the outside world. Some good nuggets, but overdone in my mind.

7. The Chosen by Chaim Potok

I found this book at Half Price Books in the sale section for $1 and it has become one of my favorites I read all year. I was introduced to Potok in high school when I read “My Name Is Asher Lev.” The Chosen chronicles the lives of two American Jewish boys during World War II: a Hasidic Jew who is destined to be a Rabbi, but doesn’t want to, and a Modern Orthodox Jew who is destined to be a mathematician, but wants to become a Rabbi. Just read it.

8. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

I needed a break from the density of The Chosen, so I went with a Young Adult novel. Don’t let the tagline of the soon-to-be-released film based on the book fool you, this is not just a “sick love story.” The book follows Hazel Grace as she battles with not only her cancer, but also questions of life, death, and what it means to love someone. The book could have come across as cheesy if it weren’t for the charming and often darkly hilarious snark that spews from both Hazel Grace and her love interest, and fellow cancer victim, Augustus.

9. The Moon is a Harsh Mistress by Robert Heinlein

I found this book abandoned atop a trashcan at my friend’s apartment complex over a year ago. Spurred my recently discovered love of science fiction, I decided to give this one a go. Much more philosophical than I expected, it follows a one-armed mechanic and his super computer “friend” as they try to declare their moon colony’s independence from earth. Filled with questions of government power, free-will, the definition of family, human rights, and what it means to be free, this book took me on a much more cerebral ride than I necessarily wanted. But it was definitely worth it in the end.

10. Matilda by Roald Dahl

I wasn’t allowed to see the movie when I was little, so I never read the book. After reading the book, I have no clue why I wasn’t allowed to see the film, unless it’s because Matilda disobeys her parents (the reason for the banishment of The Little Mermaid from my household). Go figure.

11. A Patchwork Planet by Anne Tyler

Upon hearing that I needed a December book, my boss dropped this puppy off at my desk. Needless to say, I felt compelled to read it. It’s not really the kind of book I would have read on my own, but it was nice to shake things up a bit and try something new. The book follows the life of the black sheep of the Gatlin family tree as he tries to find meaning in his own life outside of the pressures of his family dynasty.

12. Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy by Eric Metaxas

This was both the first book and last book I read in 2013. It took me the entire year to finish, but that means I got to sprinkle bits of Bonhoeffer wisdom throughout my year. A German theologian during World War II, Dietrich Bonhoeffer championed the Christian faith, discipleship, and doctrine when the German church did anything but. This lead him to join the conspiracy to kill Hitler, which he was ultimately executed for. A brilliant, humble, Godly, and inspirational man, and a must-read for any Christian.

Phew. If you read all that, I commend you. But I also challenge you to pick up a few books in 2014. I enjoyed the challenge so much that I’ve decided to do it every year. I wonder which 12 books I’ll read next…

Preparing For The End Of The World

Lists

I’m a catastrophe-thinker. And a control freak. That perfect combination means I can imagine the worse-case scenario for any and every situation I’m in – and I have a plan for surviving it. Here is a look into my plans:

Tornado – (A) Hide in an inner room, preferably without windows and with a lockable door. (B) If a room is not available, seek low ground, preferably in a ditch with some sort of overhead covering. (C) Drive away from tornado. This is my favorite option. It makes me a tornado run-awayer rather than a tornado chaser.

Hurricane – I currently have a slot in my friends’ evacuation car provided that I let their dog, Velcro, sit in my lap. Velcro is a vizsla, so he’s almost my size. But a sore lap is a small price to pay for being whisked away from a Houston disaster zone.

Home Break-in – If I’m in my room when the burglar arrives, there is a can of pepper spray on my nightstand. I’ll grab it, then call 911 while I hide in the closet behind my bedroom door. If I’m in the living area, I will grab a butcher knife from the kitchen, run screaming at the front door and hopefully catch the burglar off guard enough to slip outside (my apartment is very small and I can be very intimidating).

Gasoline Shortage – I have the bus route to my office mapped out. But ideally I’d like to have an extra can of gasoline on hand. I haven’t really thought this one out too much, but I do have a list of people I can carpool with.

Alien Invasion – Drive to local grocery store. Stock up on tents, backpacks, duffel bags, portable food items, fuel, and any sharp/blunt objects that could be used as weapons. Drive to friend’s house where a television is available. Watch TV for coverage of alien invasion. Determine alien weakness. Grab some friends and head for the hills where we will set up camp until I figure out a way to defeat the aliens. Then, defeat the aliens.

Zombie Apocalypse – Drive to local grocery store. Stock up on tents, backpacks, duffel bags, portable food items, fuel, and any sharp/blunt objects that could be used as weapons. Find at least two people I can trust who are not already zombies. Form a kick-ass band of zombie-killers. Live out our days scavenging and killing until the Center for Disease Control figures out what to do.

World War III – Cry. Freak out. Then, gather my wits and head to the grocery store, gather whatever survival gear I can find there, then make my way to the local Department of National Defense located in my office building where I offer my services as a spy in exchange for food, shelter, and protection.

Instant Eradication of Electricity – Run straight to the grocery store and gather all the canned food and fruit and vegetable seeds I can possibly find. Then, eat all the ice cream I can – who knows when I’ll have it again? If I have enough gas in my car, drive to Dallas to find my family. If I don’t, find friends in my neighborhood and create a commune capable of producing its own food. This is my favorite scenario, because communes sound fun.

Atomic Bomb – Duck and cover. Then die, because what else can you do? If I managed to survive, I guess I’d go find my family and live out the rest of my radiation-shortened life playing games, sharing memories, and throwing up a lot of radiation puke.

Death & The Circus

Doodles, Lists

5 Reasons Why “Your Pet Ran Away To The Circus” Is A Stupid Excuse For Death:

1. Have you ever seen a fleet of trapeze-walking hamsters at the circus? How about a group of fire-breathing cats? Clown bunnies? Exactly.

2. Your kids will, at some point in their lives, attend the circus. How do you explain Fluffy’s absence?

3. They will ask questions. Which leads to the need for more creative lies.

circus

Haley Gatewood ©

4. If you wouldn’t use the circus as an excuse for the death of a friend, family member, or loved one, then you shouldn’t use it in the case of a pet either.

5. Kids aren’t stupid. We shouldn’t treat them like they are. Death is real. And our conversations about it should be honest and frank, not shrouded in mumbo-jumbo.

Stupid Things To Do With A Time Machine

Lists

Try To Fix Anything
Any true science fiction fan knows that the Butterfly Effect is some serious stuff. It basically means that even the smallest alteration you make in the past will ultimately affect the future in a very big way. So no fixing of the Liberty Bell. No fixing of past relationships. And no destruction of the first scripts for Star Wars Episodes I through III.

Find Your Parents
Sorry, McFly, but that would be a horrible idea. Not only do you risk potentially ruining any chance of your future existence, but you might see some things you don’t want to see…

Find Yourself
Rule #1 of time-traveling is never to find yourself. Although no one – to our knowledge – has ever traveled back in time and come face-to-face with their past or future self, most theoretical science assumes that you will undoubtedly explode (probably due to crossing frequencies or something.)

Visit Famous Disasters
One of my favorite b-movies is called Thrill Seekers, about a future where “tourists” can go back and visit famous disasters, escaping right before they would die. Cheesy? Yes. Epic? Heck yes. Enjoy the trailer below:


What I’ve gathered from the scores of times I’ve seen this film (no shame, no regrets) is that visiting famous disasters is probably the most stupid and risky thing you could ever do with a time-machine. Not to mention depressing.

Assassinate Anyone Other Than Hitler
Again, don’t change anything. It would be bad news bears for all of us. However,  when it comes to Hitler all bets are off. I know we’ve already discussed the Butterfly Effect and I’m well aware of the ramifications altering anything in the past could have for the future, but I’d be more than happy to take the blame for creating a world where Hitler was prevented from doing any of his heinous crimes.

Save Jesus
Think about it.

Redo Yesterday
There are two types of people in the world, those who like the movie Groundhog Day and those who have better sense. Not only does repeating your Yesterday sound completely repetitive, but it’s also impossible, seeing that you would run into the problem of mixing your past self with your future self. Plus, if you continuously visited Yesterday, you’d start creating multiple versions of yourself and over populate the world with duplicate yous. All readers with contrary opinions should consult my new favorite Wikipedia page on temporal paradox. And re-watch Groundhog Day.

Sneak A Peek At Tomorrow
Come on. Can’t you wait like 24 hours? That’s like wasting a wish on a new pack of gum.

Attend Your Funeral
Not only will you scare those in attendance, but who actually wants to know when, where, and how they die?

Witness The Last Day On Earth
Tempting? I think not. Again, who wants to know the when and where of something of that magnitude? Besides, I already know how the world ends:


Tell People About Your Time Machine
Are you crazy? Everyone would want to use it. What would happen if it got into the wrong hands? Anarchy! World war! Disappearing historical figures! Altered histories!

Conclusion
Don’t use your time machine. It’s too dangerous. You’d better just hide it. Or destroy it.

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All The Time In The World

Advertising, Lists

This is what my schedule looked like today:

Photo Aug 08, 6 12 29 PM

And that doesn’t include the actual work I had to do – plus the fact that I am working late tonight.

So what does one do when there isn’t enough time in the day?

  1. Make A List – Check.
  2. Utilize Your Clone – Although a stereotypical answer, the clone card is still relevant. Sadly, my clone lives in Dallas and has no knowledge of the advertising industry.
  3. Make a Cardboard Cutout of Yourself – The perfect device for being in two places at once.
  4. Ask Siri For Help – It’s worth a shot.
    Photo Aug 08, 6 06 22 PM
  5. Pitch A Tent – A stellar idea. I’m considering keeping a tent in my cube. In the meantime, I’ll have to settle for a fort made of paper balls, my emergency hoodie, and some paperclips.
  6. Invent A New Time-Scale – If time is relative, then I should be able to make more time. Right? Right. From now on there are 47 Haley-hours in a day.
  7. Cry. Then Do One Thing At A Time. – A cathartic process, but could get messy. And it’s far too practical.
  8. Do Everything At Once – The inevitable solution. Every time.

Thankfully, I’ve been able to tackle my task list and managed to get most of what I needed done. And I didn’t even have to resort to the cardboard cutout.

What do you do when you’re out of time?