I think about a lot of things. And usually at the most inopportune times. Today, I decided to take some time to write out a few of the things I think about – and by “write”, I mean “draw.”
This is an illustration of my mind on February 5, 2014.
We should consume more mini burritos.
Do ant colonies fight over territory?
Cupcakes are just muffins with better fashion sense.
My next great invention:
If you drink milk and chocolate syrup, then throw up, do you make chocolate milk
Do bees have funerals?
THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN.
No one likes portable toilets. They are a necessary evil – especially when you’ve just downed a 24 oz. Diet Coke in the middle of a packed city festival. Why are they so gross??? Despite the fact that you are essentially sitting on an open septic tank, portable toilets are just downright dirty. I can always count on the inside being humid, hot, and a complete mess. Who are the people who decide to moisten the walls? Who is the guy that thought toilet paper made good carpet? These are some of life’s unanswered questions. However, no matter how hard we try to “hold it, we couldn’t live without these public outhouses.
So, how can we make portable toilets more desirable, bearable, and – dare I say – sought after? That’s easy – make it a speakeasy. Speakeasys were all the rage during Prohibition and are making a comeback today. So why not spread this concept to the porta-potty?
These exclusive water closets could be scattered throughout the grounds … To enter, you must know the password. To get the password, just download the mobile app. You must fill out an online questionnaire (for research purposes) and sign a statement saying that you promise to keep the speakeasy as clean as possible. Then, you become one of the “bathroom elite.” (Who knows? You could even “get in line” online when you’re on the other side of the event.) In order to access the facility, simply hold your mobile phone to the door and press the button on the screen. After you do your business, you can rate your experience. Most importantly, if the person before you left the place a mess, their membership will be revoked. Exclusivity saved for the social responsible.
Porta-potties are never going to go away – but we can at least begin to take responsibility for their presence in our community or at communal events. And maybe, we’ll stop dreading them so much.
Words can hurt. Especially when they are broadcast across the interwebs. Recently, cyberbullying has a become a very real and serious threat in our society, leading to many lawsuits and, unfortunately, suicides. Many people have tried to curb this trend through legislation (and attempted censorship). While I’m not exactly sure how I feel about the politics of the issue, I definitely think that part of the solution lies with training at home.
Everyone is pretty familiar with the autocorrect feature on mobile phones. It’s ability to come up with the least likely words you’d ever want to use is uncanny and has led to the “autocorrect fail” phenomenon. Aside from its inherent flaws, the feature could be used to promote good – and curb cyber-bullying.
Enter my invention, “Autocompliment”. Autocompliment will recognize any negative word you type and automatically change it into a positive one.
Without Autocompliment: “You are such a slut.”
With Autocompliment: “You are such a good person.”
The app could be downloaded to your or your child’s smart phone and connect with your phone’s keyboard similar to how the (irritatingly) popular emoji apps do it. And, just like autocorrect, you can choose whether to accept or reject the change. However, the key to Autocompliment, is that you receive points for choosing positive words over negative ones. Users can redeem those points for swag like iTunes downloads or movie tickets.
The app could either be used as a preventative measure to merely increase awareness of the amount of negativity users emote or as an instructive tool for those guilty of cyberbullying.
It’s small and it’s simple. But I think it could do a lot of good. Or at least help spread the word about online bullying.
“Grow A Pair”
This invention of mine isn’t the solution to a common problem, but more of a brilliant (if I may say so myself) gag gift or party favor idea.
I have often seen the ever popular “Grow A Boyfriend” tchotchke at stores like Whole Earth Provision and Spencer’s Gifts (I know we all often walk around these stores aimlessly looking for anti-boredom material. Am I right? Maybe not…). Anyway, for those who don’t know what “Grow A Boyfriend” is, it is a tiny man-shaped sponge trinket that expands when you put it in water. Thus, you can provide your desperate gal pal or lonely neighborhood cat lady with their very own significant other with merely a glass of H2O. This gag gift idea has been expanded to numerous other products including the “Grow a Girlfriend” and “Grow a Therapist”,
which got me thinking…
We’ve all had a friend (or possibly an enemy) who needed to get over their anxiety, fear, or pride so badly that we often shouted at them (or imagined doing so) the phrase, “why don’t you just grow a pair!” Well, what if they could?
[Prepare for an assortment of euphemisms.]
Imagine gleefully providing said friend with a tiny man-part-shaped sponge that, after being soaked in water for an hour or so, actually grew. That way instead of demanding your coward best-friend or the local agoraphobe to grow their own male genitalia, you could literally give them some to grow. Will it help them overcome their issues and become better people? Will it make the world a better place? Probably not. But it would be an awesome gift to bring to a game of Dirty Santa.
Interested in investing? Just let me know if you figure out a way to make shrunken bollocks not be completely gross looking.
I wanted to create an abbreviation for “exclamation point”. It is far too long of a phrase to be useful in spoken word. The written form only requires two movements of your pen-laden hand so why must it be such a clunky thing to say? In my quest to create a proper short-mouth version (the verbal form of short-hand — see, I’m making up words already!) I discovered that one already exists: “excl”. This discovery actually irritated me, partly because someone had sought to solve this problem before me, partly because it is an ugly thing to say, and mostly because it looks too much like Microsoft Excel. It’s supposed to be pronounced /eks’kl/ or, for those of us who were never properly taught how to read pronunciation notes, “ex-cla”, which makes perfect sense. Why didn’t I think of that!?
On to my next quest: to find a way to use hand gestures to represent the excl. A la “air quotes”… Please enjoy the following.
The Air-Excl (or question mark?)