I found a receipt in the middle of the hallway of my residence hall today. Normally, I would immediately throw it away, but today I was curious and bored, and so I have decided to try and decipher what the purchases were for and what kind of person they now belong to. You’d think that in the midst of Finals Week I would have something better to do. Think again.

The receipt is for Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Firstly, I immediately think the person who made this purchase is a female because I very rarely see men inside the store. One might assume that the store name would be especially alluring to certain males who find the idea of exploring the beyond excitingly scientific; however, the guys I do see shuffling around the store look like they have had their manhood stripped from them and turned into a trendy lampshade. Secondly, it tells me that this female is probably on the girly side and is highly organized. This girl, let’s call her Heidi, likes fluffy pillows, floral prints, and overpriced window hangings. Heidi is also highly illogical since she lives in a freshman dorm with community bathrooms and clearly does not need the “Bath” or “Beyond” part of the store. Thirdly, firstly is technically not grammatically correct, but I like the way it sounds. Moving on.

Scanning down the rest of the receipt I get a feel for the items purchased. They are listed in barely indistinguishable mumbo jumbo that I can only assume to be parts of a secret code. My assumptions up to this point have been wrong. Heidi is not a trendy and organized college freshman; Heidi is a spy pretending to be a college freshman. This must be part of a top secret communique with her commanding officer, Mr. Cof (Heidi’s codename is Caffe Latte). She must be using the receipt to report the status of her mission which involves catching the smugglers of fine Ecuadorian coffee beans into the United States. She’s located their secret lair hidden deep within the Ecuadorian mountains and the coast is clear to begin the raid to retrieve the goods. The smugglers have been selling their coffee beans (worth $16.99) on the U.S. black market for $99.99 each and it’s got to stop–but thankfully, they’ve been paying their sales taxes so they’re okay there. But, Heidi makes it clear that Special Forces Unit Iron Bird needs to be ready at any moment to pull an Easy Blue: invade the lair, capture the goods, and take no prisoners.

Unfortunately, this message will never reach Mr. Cof and Iron Bird may never fly. Cafe Latte will be stripped of her status and forced to work a desk job back at headquarters. Most importantly, Heidi won’t be able to write off the purchases she made at Bed, Bath, and Beyond when she files her taxes this year because she lost the receipt. Why so careless, Heidi?

I’ll be on the look out for more secret messages so I can determine which of my neighbors is really an undercover agent. It’s only a matter of time…