This post is dedicated to the wonder that is shorts under skirts. While the Skort reigns as the mullet of the clothing world–”party in the front, business in the back”–wearing shorts underneath a skirt offers the security of pants without sacrificing the pleasure of wearing your favorite flowy article of clothing. It’s like the second feminist revolution. Or a reversal of it. Either way, under-shorts (a word I have created to describe this phenomenon) provide a means to look cute and still get some serious work done.
Reasons Why I Wear Shorts Under My Dress/Skirts:
1. If I see a good tree I will climb it. I don’t care what I’m wearing.
2. The Wind wants to see you in your knickers.
3. Tights defy gravity. (This needs no explanation unless you are a man. In that case, ask a girl.)
4. Sitting “lady-like” is painful–my legs fall asleep if I keep them crossed too long.
5. Some dresses are not “breezy” or “airy”. It’s like an ice-storm down there.
6. As a child I feared little boys being able to see my undergarments. I never grew out of it.
In conclusion, if I am wearing a dress you can bet that I have shorts on underneath. Don’t believe me? I give you permission to lift my skirt. It’s amazing how freeing it is. The only downside is, although I am quite aware of protective qualities of my under-shorts, the rest of the world is typically unaware that I have adopted this practice. Thus, before offering to climb to the top of a ladder or performing any form of acrobatics, I have to warn the public that they are not about to be involved in an indecent exposure case otherwise people tend to freak out. The following statement resembles one that I have given many a time in the past:
“Excuse me people of the room, whom I may or may not know. I would like to announce to you that I in fact am wearing shorts underneath my dress. Please do not be alarmed if I carelessly leap across this table, perform a cartwheel, or scale this wall. There is no need to shield your eyes or get overly excited like the creepy guy in the corner over there. There is nothing to see. I just thought I should let you know before you assume that I have lost all self-respect in the effort to adopt a more free lifestyle. On the contrary, instead of shedding the regard I have for myself, I have in fact clothed myself with liberty in the form of an appropriately–and discretely–worn pair of shorts. You may now return to your game of bridge.”
After the public has been forewarned, I am free to do whatever I please. Thank you under-shorts, thank you.